why my children will live in hamster balls

[Note: this post is very much about law school. But I figure if I am going to justify the time I take to blog, I might as well make it educational for both me and you (or maybe mostly me) as I try to remember and understand all of this stuff for finals (or as I accidentally said in a prayer the other night, "understuff" (I meant to say "understand stuff" (which in and of itself isn't proper prayer language, but still, I think it's a good thing to pray for))). Regardless, pardon the legalese you may read below.]

If you ever go to law school (which I think you should do if you like cake), you will learn that people do really dumb things and make lots of silly mistakes. Sometimes I feel rather embarrassed for the individuals doing the mistaking. And other times I start to feel rather paranoid because of all of the crazy people and things that happen in this world. For this reason, my children are going to grow up in leashed hamster balls (i.e. there will be a leash attached to the hamster ball that I can hold onto so that when I take my children on walks they will not roll down the street, get run over, crash into someone's house, or otherwise inflict any harm (be it intentional or negligent) onto any human being, legal entity, or other such object, including animals (which are not legal entities (which is why no one has ever been able to marry their pet iguana (or hamster, for that matter)))). Below are additional reasons as to why my children should (and will) be able to roll around in plasticized comfort:

If my children are in hamster balls, they will not be able to sneak into abandoned houses and get shot by a spring gun booby trap, since the hamster ball will be much too big to fit inside a broken window, door, or other means of illicit entry. Furthermore, they will not be able to fit inside rickety outhouses which have the slight possibility of a floor cave in (which also means that I will not have to clean said children's bodies after having fallen into alluded cesspool).

In addition, my children will not be able to pull chairs out from under elderly women; nor will they be able to inadvertently paralyze people when they accidentally tweak the other person's neck while giving them an unwanted hug (since it is well known that my future children are bound to give unsolicited hugs). 

Unfortunately, my children will not be able to become doctors since it is highly unlikely that I will allow them to leave their hamster balls to go to medical school. But that's okay. If they don't go to medical school, then they can't operate on someone's left ear when they really only had permission to operate on the right ear (or are the facts the other way around? I can't remember which ear was which). Nor will they sell a patient's cells without the patient's knowledge (more importantly, they won't even be able to have a conflict of interest (i.e. cancer research with abnormally awesome cells vs. the patient's well-being) because they won't have any patients at all).

Dogs will be safe from my children because they will neither be able to pull their ears or shoot them (mistaking them for wolves, of course). Other children will be equally as safe since my children won't be able to kick their already infected legs and cause them unwarranted inflammation during the middle of school.

My plan is flawless. Except I don't know how I am going to let my children out to use the bathroom without there being some sort of wreckage on society (either inflicted by or upon them). I'll let you know when I figure that one out.

I don't know about you, but I'd be okay hanging out in a hamster ball all day long...

[Note: this post is entirely facetious. I am very much aware of the fact that sticking my children in hamster balls would be considered false imprisonment. And if there's one thing I've learned from law school, you don't falsely imprison people. They might escape and sue you.]