who am i

Today I got a chance to pull out my high school self from the depths of my closet. I had to dust her off a bit - she hasn't been worn for awhile. And in wearing that mask and outfit I felt like a stranger to myself. What happened? I thought me and her used to be twins - no one could tell us apart. Now that I look in the mirror with her beside me, I see how different we are. I used to think I was so sure of myself, but with her standing next to me, I realize how insecure we both are. Deep down inside beneath all of the layers of pretending, she was afraid to go to college and grow up. And though she never tried to reveal her fears, they were always there, just beneath the surface. Now I look at myself - a thinner, quieter version of me - and insecurity is there, just beneath the surface. I am no longer as afraid of college. Growing up is still a mystery. What really frightens me the most is that I have no idea who I am. I know my name, address, and birthday - the vitals are easy - but who am I? I have a face and a body, but inside this person called me feels so lost. I think I want to write and edit and succeed and survive in the zoo, but beyond that, I have no idea who I am and where I am going and how I am going to get there. The only thing I have to hold onto is a dream, a vague hope and wish. I lie in bed every morning, too tired to get up and unwilling to let that dream go. I don't want to lose it - it is my only glimpse into myself. Without it I feel naked and lonely.

I've tried to find myself this week and the week before that and the week before that. Everything I find all relates to my dream. And maybe it will change when I pull my college self out of the closet a few years and maybe even months from now. Until then, that dream is me.

I can't afford to lose myself.