jungle relations

To all those in the jungle who apparently need relationship advice:

Read carefully. This may or may not be the most important source of knowledge you will ever gain from attending college. Take note. The following statements are marinated with wisdom. And don't buy any dating guides from the bookstore. This list will suffice.

• Oh. My. Gosh. I, like, need, like, a guy to be blunt or something. If he, like, tries to, like, hold my hand, or, like, something, I'll be, like, oblivious.
• Date forward guys. They aren't as creepy.
• If a guy goes on a mission, I'm sure he'd like to have someone to write to. Then he knows that right when he gets home he has the security of that relationship and he can get married right away. That's the best way to do it.
• I hate when kisses taste weird.
• Best friends always progress into something more. Like me and my kind of ex. We weren't really boyfriend/girlfriend, but we held hands, so that should count, right?
• Just to warn you, guys get weird before their missions. They either get super clingy or shove you away. It's so stupid.
• My brother is going to set me up with one of his friends. I'll talk to him for you, too.
• Nerdy guys are just weird. You're too cute for a nerdy guy [Note: This was said to someone else, not me.]
• Holding hands is so much fun! It's even better than kissing!
• Those boys really weren't that cute. There was something missing...
• I notice a boy's eyebrows and teeth first. Then other things, like his head, shoulders, knees, and toes (and a lot of other stuff, too, but I'm not going there).
• Let's invite boys over for dinner! Please! Pretty please!
• So, this guy, like, texted me, and like, invited me to, like, grill pineapple with him. What do I, like, say?

[Note: These opinions are NOT supported by the author of this blog. I do not endorse this list in any way, shape, or form.]