to the ridiculously immature parents of otherwise ridiculously immature freshmen:

Can I just say that I love talking to you? I do, I do, I do, I do, I do! Thank you for your patience and long-suffering. You are a champion, not only in my life, but in the lives of your children as well. Not only that, I think you are so kind for taking care of your child's financial aid for them. Granted, they won't have the life skills or the necessary information to take care of it on their own in a couple of years from now, but with your help, they are more than prepared to enter college with a shiny new laptop and a squeaky pair of new shoes. You are great. Thank you for taking care of your child so excessively. I would have to say you are the greatest example of mollycoddling known to mankind. And for that, you deserve an award. Please allow me to bestow upon you my sincerest congratulations for being the world's greatest helicopter parent. Your achievement is unrivaled in its magnitude and is most definitely something to be celebrated. And please, at my expense, continue to revel in your parenting glory.

Yours truly,

Jessica

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