things i want to say

Someone told me the other day that they find themselves texting someone, only to realize that that person has since gone away. The secret of that someone's identity is no mystery: I find myself doing that, too. There are so many things I want to say to him, things that would make him laugh or think or smile. It's hard when I realize mid-text, that I can't send that text, and that I have to delete all that I wanted to say. I find myself writing those things down all over the place in an effort to try to remember. Journals, notebooks, blogs, even facebook posts that other people roll their eyes at...all of these represent mini memos to myself of all the things I want and wish I could say. In the end, all of those little things will probably amount to nothing, and I sometimes wonder why I go to so much effort to remember. At times I doubt, and it hurts, because I am unable to receive any response for what I never send. Silent words have no meaning except to the one who created them, and I am left to wonder if ever he will ever share in the many thoughts I have. But I guess, it is at those moments of wondering that I realize why I do what I do, as trivial and silly as all my words seem: it's because I love my best friend.